talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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