remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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