What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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