I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
