he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
