He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
