I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Someone shattered a urinal.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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