she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
