Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
