A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She told me I should be a condom model.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
