I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
ttyl tear gas
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
