Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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