I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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