I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Randomize
