4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
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