I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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