I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
