I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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