dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
