your parents love me but you hate me
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
