what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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