dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Barsexuality is the new black.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
