I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
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