i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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