i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
