I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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