I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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