the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
