i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
This house was built for laser tag.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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