I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
