watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
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He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
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He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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