I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
my liver is dry heaving
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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