I just pynch a tree in the face
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Let's get the cat blown out
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
