My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
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