when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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