You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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