In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
