Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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