it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize