i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
