He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
