Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
