The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Randomize
