Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
