I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
The beer is more important than you right now.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
