And to think..we used to do everything sober...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
