I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
