So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
