I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
