I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
