I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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