Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
