First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
