Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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