Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I have fence marks all over my body
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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