Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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